The exams are over and my first semester as a teacher-in-training has also come to a close. Like the end of every school year, I feel slightly relieved and greatly disappointed. I thought things would change when I enter college but nothing's different. I haven't matured at all. I'm not aging like fine wine. I feel more like an overripe fruit just one second away from rotting. I'm almost afraid to write about myself in this blog. I sound so bitter and cynical. Sometimes, the thought has crossed my mind that I am not suited to being a human at all. How can I explain what I'm feeling right now? I just can't find the right words.
These days, I'm living like a nocturnal creature. I spend almost every waking hour at night watching movies and reading. I sleep away the whole day and wake up feeling groggier than ever. What on earth is wrong with me? I haven't even finished unpacking my stuff yet. I feel so messed up right now. I want to start over but I'm afraid of facing my failures. I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again. I feel so unworthy. I don't deserve any of the blessings God has showered upon me. I'm scared of feeling the same disappointment again and again. I don't want to make empty promises. A piece of fragile pottery webbed with cracks. That's how I'd describe my current self. One wrong move and I will be smashed to smithereens.
I don't want to keep living a life full of regrets. I'm such an idiot. I can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the talk.... I'm screwed. How do I stop? I know I'm going in the wrong direction but how do I put the brakes on my wildly careening life? How? I want so much to just let Jesus take the wheel but I don't trust myself. I hate myself for being weak. I'm sorry if this blog post is bringing you down. Don't mind me.
P.S. God bless everyone, especially the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. May God watch over you and ease your pain. Trust in the Great Physician for he will heal you in body and in spirit. Amen.
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