Stray Thoughts

The mind departs
But the heart lingers

The mind shies away
But the heart longs

The mind stands firm
But the heart wavers

The mind

The heart

Torn

Divided

Unfall

1

"I can't let myself fall for him." It was a desperate plea, barely louder than a whisper.

Why not?

"We're too different. Anyway, he will never fall for me. I don't want to get hurt." A sigh this time, more resigned than sad.

You can't avoid pain forever.

"I know that but I'm too scared. And even if he liked me back, what then? It's not like we can be together."

Does it really matter if you're different from each other?

"Of course it matters. He can't change. I won't change. It can never be between us." Frustration, a living, coiling thing.

You are a fool for wanting to taste forbidden fruit.

A bitter smile. "I know. It's not like I can help it."

How does it feel like being near him?

"Unbearable. It is as if all my body cells can't help but gravitate towards him. My eyes can't help but find him. My body can't help but be so, so aware of him. I'm an idiot." A sad laugh.

Will you be able to stop yourself?

"I have to. I just have to."

Desperate.

Determined.

2

She instantly knew that he was different. He avoided looking at people and walked with a shuffling gait. Restlessly, he moved from the living room to his bedroom and back again. He kept picking up her dad's bag, as if offended or distressed at the sight of it. Her dad gently took the bag from him without a word. He had always been a kind man. She made sure never to directly look at him, uncertain whether it was rude to stare or to ignore his presence. "Go back to your room and stay there," his father growled at him. He obediently marched back to his room, head hanging like a chastised kid. The maid quickly locked the door to his room with a key. A shameful feeling of relief washed over her at his absence. She could still see his fingers which were hooked through the bars of his room door. She averted her eyes.

3

The phone dropped from her nerveless fingers. Snatching her car keys from the table, she rushed outside, started the car and drove off without looking back.

***

"Grandmere, are you alright? How do you feel?" she asked breathlessly after bursting into the hospital ward. Her grandmother's beloved face stretched into a wide but tired smile. "Still alive and kicking as you can see." She chuckled weakly. "Grandmere, you shouldn't joke about this," she admonished her gently as she took a seat beside the bed. "Now, young lady, this is my disease and my life. I am free to joke about it as I please." A violent fit of coughing overtook her as she said this, her frail body shaking with each rattling cough. "Grandmere!" she reached for the button that would summon the nurses. "Don't, child. I'm fine. Please." she pleaded her only grandchild. She reluctantly took her hand away from the emergency button and handed her grandmother a glass of water instead. A sob suddenly escaped her throat. Before she could stop it, tears were gushing down her cheeks and she was buried in her grandmother's warm embrace. "I don't want you to die, Grandmere. I love you." Her grandmother gently stroked her hair and murmured soothingly, "I know, child. I love you too." Tears were shining in her eyes. Her chest heaved once, and then, she was gone.

Live, Love, Learn and Literature

     That used to be my life motto. I wanted to live life to the fullest, love with all my heart and soul, learn new things every day and immerse myself in the world of literature. That used to be how I see things. Now, I don't know what my life motto is any more. I feel like a vagabond with nowhere else to go and nothing to live for. A ship lost at sea, searching in vain for any signs of a lighthouse or landmarks to help guide me through treacherous waters. I must be a pretty bad sailor to not be able to read the stars or bring any maps with me. I'm messed up like that.

    I had a dream today. A disturbing dream. All my hopes, fears and desires must have spilled over into the day dream I had just now. It was, at times, quite vivid. I won't write down the content of my dream but I will tell you that only dreams can make the impossible possible. Dreams are such an interesting and fascinating topic. Maybe I should study it further. Hmm.... Food for thought?
     Maybe one day I will live according to my old motto again. I just hope that it won't be too late by then.

P.S. God bless.

Much Ado About Nothing

     As humans, we tend to overreact in a lot of situations, whether good or bad. It's normal to feel overly excited when things go our way, just as it is normal to experience crushing disappointment when something bad happens in our life. But I think all of us should try to exercise a modicum of restraint even if it is hard to do so. Time and place, and the company we keep should be taken into account before we do or say anything we might regret later. When you are overwhelmed with emotions, it's hard to keep your cool and act calmly and rationally. Extreme feelings tend to cloud our minds and make us act foolishly. So, let us all take a step back from our emotions for a moment and look at things objectively before deciding what to do or say in any situation.

P.S. God bless you.

Where Dreams Go to Die

     Have you ever wondered what happens to our childhood dreams once we grow up and abandon them? Is there a place where all our lost dreams and dashed hopes are stored? Do they just fade away and cease to exist like morning mists in the afternoon heat? Or maybe they're never really gone. Just hidden and buried in the deepest, darkest corners of our minds. Imagine a graveyard filled with gravestones marked with words like:

Aria Hunt used to dream of becoming an astronaut.

1995-2000

Nothing lasts forever. Not even the stars.

Fascinating, isn't it? There might even be mausoleums for bigger dreams and wishes. Wouldn't it be amazing if there actually is a graveyard of dreams? It would be called 'The Cemetery of Forgotten Dreams'. Our dreams, whether big or small, are fleeting and transitory. I guess it's true that nothing lasts forever. Not even the stars.

P.S. God bless you.  

The End Where I Begin

    The exams are over and my first semester as a teacher-in-training has also come to a close. Like the end of every school year, I feel slightly relieved and greatly disappointed. I thought things would change when I enter college but nothing's different. I haven't matured at all. I'm not aging like fine wine. I feel more like an overripe fruit just one second away from rotting. I'm almost afraid to write about myself in this blog. I sound so bitter and cynical. Sometimes, the thought has crossed my mind that I am not suited to being a human at all. How can I explain what I'm feeling right now? I just can't find the right words.

    These days, I'm living like a nocturnal creature. I spend almost every waking hour at night watching movies and reading. I sleep away the whole day and wake up feeling groggier than ever. What on earth is wrong with me? I haven't even finished unpacking my stuff yet. I feel so messed up right now. I want to start over but I'm afraid of facing my failures. I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again. I feel so unworthy. I don't deserve any of the blessings God has showered upon me. I'm scared of feeling the same disappointment again and again. I don't want to make empty promises. A piece of fragile pottery webbed with cracks. That's how I'd describe my current self. One wrong move and I will be smashed to smithereens.

      I don't want to keep living a life full of regrets. I'm such an idiot. I can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the talk.... I'm screwed. How do I stop? I know I'm going in the wrong direction but how do I put the brakes on my wildly careening life? How? I want so much to just let Jesus take the wheel but I don't trust myself. I hate myself for being weak. I'm sorry if this blog post is bringing you down. Don't mind me.

P.S. God bless everyone, especially the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. May God watch over you and ease your pain. Trust in the Great Physician for he will heal you in body and in spirit. Amen. 

The Black Sheep of the Aesir

     For those who are unfamiliar with Norse mythology, the Nordic pantheon of gods is known as the Aesir. The god I'm highlighting in this post is Loki, the god of mischief. After watching Thor, The Avengers and Thor 2, I became fascinated by the character of Loki. He is neither wholly evil nor wholly good. In the movies, his actions are motivated by jealousy, greed and revenge. All these qualities make him seem more human to me. Compared to the righteous and holier-than-thou attitude of Thor, Loki is much more interesting and multilayered. I love his deliciously witty dialogues, especially when he converses with Thor. It helps that the actor is rather dashing and gave a wonderfully nuanced performance as Loki. I read a book about Loki and it showed me a different side to the god of mischief. In the book, he is presented not as an antagonist but as an antihero. He causes trouble but he always finds a way to clean up the mess he made in the end. I can't believe I'm gushing over a fictional character. I just think we should look at things from Loki's point of view before passing judgement on him. Give Loki a chance. He is not evil, just misguided and misunderstood.

P.S. May God bless you.