Musings

       Yesterday, during English Literature class, I acted like I've got a pole stuck up my butt. Simply put, I was an ass. We're currently studying 'To Kill A Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. I had read it before and I like the story. I don't know why I felt so possessive towards that book. I acted like I knew everything about it. In fact, I had forgotten most of it and have to reread it for Eng. Lit. class. It isn't mine. This story should be read and understood by everyone. So why was I behaving like an arrogant jerk last night? Why did I act as if I own that story? I can't believe myself sometimes. I'm such an idiot.

      Why do I feel as if all my lecturers dislike me? Is it just me or do they sometimes eye me with faint distaste? Am I imagining things or do they occasionally avoid eye contact with me and ignore me? I keep wondering if I had done something to annoy or offend them in the past. I hate feeling like this whenever I'm in class. It destroys my excitement and enthusiasm to learn. I will always wonder if my lecturers hate me or not. Gosh, I'm such a whiner! I sound seriously pathetic.

      The two paragraphs above might sound like I'm airing my grievances but I'm actually trying to make sense of my weaknesses and insecurities. I have so many of them and they keep bugging me every second of my life. I will go mad if I do not find an outlet to release all my pent-up frustration and reflect on my many mistakes and shortcomings. Writing blog posts is pretty cathartic for me. It sort of makes me feel better afterwards. Let me compare my life to a badly woven cloth. I'm just trying to untangle the numerous snarls and knots in my life. That's what living feels like. Huh. I've barely scratched the surface of who I am and who I am going to be. Tip of the iceberg. Wonder if I'll ever make it below sea level....

        Time is of the essence. I have to go now.

P.S. May God bless you!

What is Life?

      Don't you ask yourself that question once in a while? It'll most probably be accompanied by a long drawn-out sigh that hints at a million worries or a billion sorrows. Point is, you'll only ask yourself that particular question when you're not in a good mood. My head is full of questions about life right now, specifically my life. Such selfish, prideful thoughts I have. This particular thought makes me even more melancholy. What's wrong with my mood, today? It's like I'm walking through a gray haze. I feel lost and directionless. I want to get out but there's no map and no guiding light. Maybe these things are just right in front of me and I'm just too blind to reach for them. This feeling of self-loathing is so acute sometimes. Am I cracking like an egg under all this pressure? Am I stressed? I genuinely don't know the answer. I just want to live, really live.

       I never really thought I'd become a teacher. I sort of abandoned that notion (dream?) when I was in standard six, I think. What I really want is to become a writer, an author, a fantasist. I've never really pictured myself standing in front of kids, teaching them. My dreams only ever included me, my books and my typewriter (or laptop). I decided to take up the teaching profession only as a stepping stone to my real dream, which is becoming a writer. I need a steady job to pay for the bills after all. I need to be realistic and teaching English is no loss for me. That's what I thought then. Now, I don't know. Ever since I joined IPG, though, I do sometimes imagine what it would be like to teach children. Would I be a gentle, soft-spoken teacher or a fierce, hot-tempered one? Would they love me or fear me? Sometimes, doubts assail me. I fear I am too selfish and too prideful to become a teacher. One of my biggest weaknesses is my laziness. Who needs a selfish, prideful and lazy teacher anyway?

      I will always write but will I teach until I retire? Or will I quit being a teacher to become a full time writer? So many questions. So little answers. Only time will tell, I guess. A lecturer reprimanded my whole class for doing a shoddy job. She has quite high expectations for us. Most of the lecturers here do. They apparently also think that we're a bunch of stuck up, spoiled brats. Maybe they're right. But it still bloody hurts. Cuts us to the quick. Feels like a stab to the heart. That's how painful it is. I want to change but can I? Can I be better? Can I overcome my weaknesses? I just can't trust myself. I just can't. I don't want to give up but I'm scared. I'm so scared of falling. Of letting everyone down. Sometimes, I feel like shutting myself in my room, locking the door, throwing away the keys and saying, "Screw the world!". But I know I can't avoid life forever. I do want to do my best but I don't know what is holding me back. I feel like God's lost sheep. Where is my shepherd? I need you, Father. Please help me, Lord. Father, forgive me. I know I have sinned. Guide me, Lord. Help me be a better person. Give me the strength to overcome my fears and weaknesses, Father. Amen.
       I'm sorry you had to listen to my ranting. My prayer is for God only. It's between God and me. I do admit that I need help. I know I cannot do anything without Him. It's a fact. I'm happy to be a Christian. I feel so blessed all the time. Sometimes, I get into a funk like today but I will always remember that God is with me and He will never abandon me. He is my shepherd. Time for me to sign off.

P.S. God bless you! I hope your faith shines bright!

Woolgathering

There are so many thoughts running through my mind today. I decided to divide them into three main sections.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy is a poison that seeps into your heart and turns it as black as tar. I have felt this treacherous emotion countless times throughout my short life. It hurts not just others but myself. I admit I get jealous pretty easily even over the smallest things. One of my many vices. Jealousy arises from the desire of wanting to see other people fail. An ugly truth, isn't it? I wish to divest myself of this unsavoury emotion the way an insect sheds its old exoskeleton. But I am all too human. My will is weak. I easily fall prey to temptation. All I can do is not let the green-eyed monster get the better of me. I do not want other people to be hurt because of me.

The Coffee Incident

I feel like murdering Teddy. He is not cute and cuddly any longer. I can't believe I was forced to down one whole cup of vile coffee. Shudder. I had to hold back from puking the whole time I was hunting for treasure. Argh. It bloody ruined the treasure hunt for me. The coffee grounds floating on the ink-black surface, sticking to my teeth, rolling against the walls of my throat, stomach roiling like a turbulent sea... TEDDY! ARGH!

Pride Comes Before A Fall

My stupid, stupid pride. Sometimes, I feel like knocking myself out with a shovel. My damn pride cost my team a possible victory. It was so obvious. I can't believe how arrogant I was. Damn it! I bloody concentrated on the wrong clue! It was freaking unrelated! I should have seen it from the start, but no, I was too hung up on my 'superior' intellect. Argh. I am sorry. I should have been a better team member. I am sorry. I will do better next time.

Time to go.

P.S. God bless you!

Fresh Wounds

     Why do people keep doing the things that they know will hurt them? Are we all masochists? Or is it just me? Whenever I see this person, old hurts resurface in my mind, bad memories that bring fresh tears to my eyes. I indulged in a pathetic pity party last night. A sense of self-loathing fills me. Gosh, I'm such a self-centered b***h! Wallowing in my petty miseries while there are other people suffering from worse fates than this. I can't help it, though. I know that partly it is my fault but my heart won't let it rest that easily. If I can go back in time, I would have done things differently. I thought that coming here would change things for me, would change me but everything remains the same. When did prayer become a chore for me? Where have all my childhood dreams gone to? Fear and guilt gnaws at my heart. Forgive me for being foolish, Father. I deserve whatever punishment you have dealt me or reserved for me. I know the weight of my sins. Two assignments are due on Friday. Gotta go.

P.S. Sorry for all the gloom and doom. God bless you.

Sleepless Nights

     I feel like a zombie these days. My brain feels woozy and my eyelids feel as if they weigh a ton due to lack of sleep. The ceaseless pounding in my head is slowly driving me mad. It's as if a bell tower has taken up permanent residence in my skull. Damnable assignments. Mel and Conty have gone to Terengganu to compete in a quiz. It's strange not having them around. I do feel kind of lonely. I find it easier to talk to them than to anybody else in IPG. The stories of my classmates will have to wait until after I have completed my assignments. I didn't pray today and also yesterday. I feel like something is missing in my life when I don't pray. It was a pretty close call yesterday. I really hate doing things last minute but why do I always find myself in this damnable situation? I want to promise never to do things last minute ever again but I'm not sure if I can keep it. I don't bloody trust myself. I've let myself and the people around me down too many times for me to have any faith in myself. Reverting back to old habits. Backsliding is what its called. Can I never be a better person? Will I forever be stuck in a rut? I don't know. I can't predict the future. Ah, well. All I can do is hope and pray. All of my dreams and wishes ride on a hope and a prayer. God is merciful and kind. I know he will forgive me and help me turn over a new leaf. That's all for today.

P.S. May God bless you and guide you wherever you may be.

What is in a name?

      I just made up a bunch of nicknames for my whole class. They're not meant as a joke or an insult. I just wanted to show my affection towards them. They feel like family to me. The nicknames I gave them are based on my perceptions of their personality or their physical attributes. Each and everyone of them has such a colourful and wacky personality that I had fun thinking up nicknames for them. They will change with time, of course Nothing is constant. Nothing but God. I call my class The Fairy Tale Class. Cute, right? I am going to post episodic stories of their shenanigans here for everyone's enjoyment. I do so love to share a good story. Be warned that all the stories I share here are fictional and not related to the personal lives of my classmates. I just wanted us to feel more like a close-knit family than a bunch of strangers thrown together by circumstances. Even if no one reads them, they will serve as a kind of stress reliever for me. Who knew my crazy classmates can become a source of inspiration for me to get my creative juices flowing? Huh. What is life? Life is life. Ignore my pointless remarks. I really shouldn't spend so much time posting weird stuff on my blog. My assignments await my presence, baring their sharp teeth in anticipation, eyes gleaming with bloodlust, hungry for the taste of my flesh.... Okay, that might be going a bit too far. Ah well, wish me luck! I'll definitely be armed to the teeth.

P.S. God bless you!

Early Morning Ramblings

      I did not mean to miss the theater workshop today. But I know that all the excuses I give won't really matter in the long run. My lecturer's words from yesterday struck me hard. He said that we should be true to our profession as teachers and not disgrace this noble profession by acting selfishly and irresponsibly. That's what I've been doing throughout my life and I find it hard to let go of some of my vices. But I must try. I know I am not alone. He is with me every step of the way.

      I've decided to deal with my assignments one step at a time. All together, they are intimidating. So, I need to employ certain battle tactics to overcome them. Divide and conquer. An age old tactic. Hopefully, my efforts will be rewarded. I really shouldn't do anything last minute. It hurts and hinders whatever progress I've made. At least, my reflection is done. Not quite. I feel foolish sometimes. How can my troubles compare to those who live in poor, war-torn countries? They are insignificant compared to the suffering and misery the people in Africa or the Middle East experience every day.

       Time slips through our fingers so fast like fine grains of sand. We should treasure it and not waste it on petty things. What is my number one priority? He should come first in my life but I know I'm not as devoted as that yet. One day, I will be, though. The sky's a pale, watery blue today with wispy clouds unspooling like spun sugar across its wide expanse. Will it rain today, I wonder? The weather is so changeable lately. Should I indulge in playing squash today? It's been too long. Decisions, decisions. Signing out now.

P.S. May God bless you and yours. Have a good day!

A New Beginning

      A dear friend inspired me to create a blog. She claims that it can help me sort through my muddled thoughts and bring order to the jumble of nonsense running through my mind like hyperactive children high on a sugar rush. I think I will enjoy blogging. It has been too long since I have written for pleasure. Academic writing plagues my days recently. There's nothing wrong with academic writing but one does get tired of using formal language all the time. There's going to be a theater workshop tomorrow and all of my remaining classmates are required to attend it. I would have been more enthusiastic about it if I weren't swamped with assignments. Sigh. That's just part and parcel of being a teacher-in-training, I guess. Ah, well. It's getting quite late. I should tuck myself into bed right about now. They do say the early bird always gets the worm but I wonder how true that is. Goodnight and farewell! Over and out.

P.S. God bless all of you!