What is Life?

      Don't you ask yourself that question once in a while? It'll most probably be accompanied by a long drawn-out sigh that hints at a million worries or a billion sorrows. Point is, you'll only ask yourself that particular question when you're not in a good mood. My head is full of questions about life right now, specifically my life. Such selfish, prideful thoughts I have. This particular thought makes me even more melancholy. What's wrong with my mood, today? It's like I'm walking through a gray haze. I feel lost and directionless. I want to get out but there's no map and no guiding light. Maybe these things are just right in front of me and I'm just too blind to reach for them. This feeling of self-loathing is so acute sometimes. Am I cracking like an egg under all this pressure? Am I stressed? I genuinely don't know the answer. I just want to live, really live.

       I never really thought I'd become a teacher. I sort of abandoned that notion (dream?) when I was in standard six, I think. What I really want is to become a writer, an author, a fantasist. I've never really pictured myself standing in front of kids, teaching them. My dreams only ever included me, my books and my typewriter (or laptop). I decided to take up the teaching profession only as a stepping stone to my real dream, which is becoming a writer. I need a steady job to pay for the bills after all. I need to be realistic and teaching English is no loss for me. That's what I thought then. Now, I don't know. Ever since I joined IPG, though, I do sometimes imagine what it would be like to teach children. Would I be a gentle, soft-spoken teacher or a fierce, hot-tempered one? Would they love me or fear me? Sometimes, doubts assail me. I fear I am too selfish and too prideful to become a teacher. One of my biggest weaknesses is my laziness. Who needs a selfish, prideful and lazy teacher anyway?

      I will always write but will I teach until I retire? Or will I quit being a teacher to become a full time writer? So many questions. So little answers. Only time will tell, I guess. A lecturer reprimanded my whole class for doing a shoddy job. She has quite high expectations for us. Most of the lecturers here do. They apparently also think that we're a bunch of stuck up, spoiled brats. Maybe they're right. But it still bloody hurts. Cuts us to the quick. Feels like a stab to the heart. That's how painful it is. I want to change but can I? Can I be better? Can I overcome my weaknesses? I just can't trust myself. I just can't. I don't want to give up but I'm scared. I'm so scared of falling. Of letting everyone down. Sometimes, I feel like shutting myself in my room, locking the door, throwing away the keys and saying, "Screw the world!". But I know I can't avoid life forever. I do want to do my best but I don't know what is holding me back. I feel like God's lost sheep. Where is my shepherd? I need you, Father. Please help me, Lord. Father, forgive me. I know I have sinned. Guide me, Lord. Help me be a better person. Give me the strength to overcome my fears and weaknesses, Father. Amen.
       I'm sorry you had to listen to my ranting. My prayer is for God only. It's between God and me. I do admit that I need help. I know I cannot do anything without Him. It's a fact. I'm happy to be a Christian. I feel so blessed all the time. Sometimes, I get into a funk like today but I will always remember that God is with me and He will never abandon me. He is my shepherd. Time for me to sign off.

P.S. God bless you! I hope your faith shines bright!