Yesterday, during English Literature class, I acted like I've got a pole stuck up my butt. Simply put, I was an ass. We're currently studying 'To Kill A Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. I had read it before and I like the story. I don't know why I felt so possessive towards that book. I acted like I knew everything about it. In fact, I had forgotten most of it and have to reread it for Eng. Lit. class. It isn't mine. This story should be read and understood by everyone. So why was I behaving like an arrogant jerk last night? Why did I act as if I own that story? I can't believe myself sometimes. I'm such an idiot.
Why do I feel as if all my lecturers dislike me? Is it just me or do they sometimes eye me with faint distaste? Am I imagining things or do they occasionally avoid eye contact with me and ignore me? I keep wondering if I had done something to annoy or offend them in the past. I hate feeling like this whenever I'm in class. It destroys my excitement and enthusiasm to learn. I will always wonder if my lecturers hate me or not. Gosh, I'm such a whiner! I sound seriously pathetic.
The two paragraphs above might sound like I'm airing my grievances but I'm actually trying to make sense of my weaknesses and insecurities. I have so many of them and they keep bugging me every second of my life. I will go mad if I do not find an outlet to release all my pent-up frustration and reflect on my many mistakes and shortcomings. Writing blog posts is pretty cathartic for me. It sort of makes me feel better afterwards. Let me compare my life to a badly woven cloth. I'm just trying to untangle the numerous snarls and knots in my life. That's what living feels like. Huh. I've barely scratched the surface of who I am and who I am going to be. Tip of the iceberg. Wonder if I'll ever make it below sea level....
Time is of the essence. I have to go now.
P.S. May God bless you!
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