The End Where I Begin

    The exams are over and my first semester as a teacher-in-training has also come to a close. Like the end of every school year, I feel slightly relieved and greatly disappointed. I thought things would change when I enter college but nothing's different. I haven't matured at all. I'm not aging like fine wine. I feel more like an overripe fruit just one second away from rotting. I'm almost afraid to write about myself in this blog. I sound so bitter and cynical. Sometimes, the thought has crossed my mind that I am not suited to being a human at all. How can I explain what I'm feeling right now? I just can't find the right words.

    These days, I'm living like a nocturnal creature. I spend almost every waking hour at night watching movies and reading. I sleep away the whole day and wake up feeling groggier than ever. What on earth is wrong with me? I haven't even finished unpacking my stuff yet. I feel so messed up right now. I want to start over but I'm afraid of facing my failures. I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again. I feel so unworthy. I don't deserve any of the blessings God has showered upon me. I'm scared of feeling the same disappointment again and again. I don't want to make empty promises. A piece of fragile pottery webbed with cracks. That's how I'd describe my current self. One wrong move and I will be smashed to smithereens.

      I don't want to keep living a life full of regrets. I'm such an idiot. I can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the talk.... I'm screwed. How do I stop? I know I'm going in the wrong direction but how do I put the brakes on my wildly careening life? How? I want so much to just let Jesus take the wheel but I don't trust myself. I hate myself for being weak. I'm sorry if this blog post is bringing you down. Don't mind me.

P.S. God bless everyone, especially the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. May God watch over you and ease your pain. Trust in the Great Physician for he will heal you in body and in spirit. Amen. 

The Black Sheep of the Aesir

     For those who are unfamiliar with Norse mythology, the Nordic pantheon of gods is known as the Aesir. The god I'm highlighting in this post is Loki, the god of mischief. After watching Thor, The Avengers and Thor 2, I became fascinated by the character of Loki. He is neither wholly evil nor wholly good. In the movies, his actions are motivated by jealousy, greed and revenge. All these qualities make him seem more human to me. Compared to the righteous and holier-than-thou attitude of Thor, Loki is much more interesting and multilayered. I love his deliciously witty dialogues, especially when he converses with Thor. It helps that the actor is rather dashing and gave a wonderfully nuanced performance as Loki. I read a book about Loki and it showed me a different side to the god of mischief. In the book, he is presented not as an antagonist but as an antihero. He causes trouble but he always finds a way to clean up the mess he made in the end. I can't believe I'm gushing over a fictional character. I just think we should look at things from Loki's point of view before passing judgement on him. Give Loki a chance. He is not evil, just misguided and misunderstood.

P.S. May God bless you.

All's Fair in Love and War

We all know what bull the above saying is. Nothing is ever fair, especially in love and war. Since I have never been in a relationship, I'm the furthest thing from an expert on love there is. Heck, I barely know anything about war.  All I can tell you about both subjects is based on what I have observed, which is not much. I'm not here to point fingers or to offer sage advice about relationships. I'm just trying to make sense of how relationships work, mainly the romantic kind. Why is love so closely related to war? Maybe it's because they're both messy, painful and destructive. Who knows? My friend compared relationships to building a boat. Go and read her blog. It makes a lot of sense when she put it like that. Love isn't the be all and end all of life. Like war, you have to pick up the pieces and rebuild your whole life in the aftermath. You can't walk away and hide from the world just because you broke up with someone. Life doesn't work like that. It's cruel and harsh but it's reality. No matter how much you want to turn back time and change things, you can't. Don't throw your life away over something you can't control. If you're not meant to be together, then it's not meant to be. Don't push it. You don't need a partner to make your life complete. This is what I believe. No offence to romantics throughout the world. Love is simple, people are complicated. You don't have to blindly follow my words. I'm commitment-phobic. What do I know about relationships? I'm scared of getting hurt so I avoid cultivating close relationships with anyone, even my family. I never contact any of my old friends. I only speak to my relatives on Chinese New Year or on special occasions like weddings and stuff. I always put up a wall whenever I'm interacting with other people. I'm painfully shy. I abhor speaking to strangers. I am uncomfortable with physical contact. I prefer the company of books to living, breathing humans. Point is, I'm screwed up. So, just disregard everything I had written about love and follow your heart. Pray to God and He will guide you on the right path.

P.S. God bless you.          

Rain Sound

It's raining again today. Woe to those who want to dry their wet laundry, I guess. Glad I'm not one of them. Personally, I love the rain. The steady rhythmic pitter-patter of falling raindrops sounds so soothing, like a lullaby of drumbeats. A vague feeling of melancholia envelops me as I listen to the sound of the rain outside my window. This reminds me of one of my favorite Korean songs, 'Rain Sound'. It's a sad and slightly angry break-up song. I wonder if I listen to love songs and break-up songs because I want to experience the highs and lows of romantic love for once, even if it's vicariously. Sometimes, I think that I invest so much of myself in fiction that I've forgotten what reality is really like. Lately, I feel so lost and so empty. I keep asking myself where have all the dreams of my youth gone. Those shining hopeful dreams that shaped the choices I've made until now. Are they locked up and kept in a dusty corner of my mind? Or have they disappeared like the bubbles we used to blow when we were children? I keep asking myself if this is how I want to live my life. Stuck in a rut and forever filled with regret for the opportunities that I have let pass me by. How do I fill the void in my soul? How do I stop feeling like a drifter with nowhere to go? Real life isn't like the movies. Change doesn't happen overnight. Can I change for the better? I need my God to guide me home but my faith is faltering like a sputtering candle in the middle of a storm. I haven't prayed for so long. Really prayed. I'm scared to even look at the Bible. What's the use of hanging a cross in my room if I can't even reach out to Him? Is it too late for me?

P.S. God bless you.

The Princess and the Porcupine

Snow White was feeling quite disgruntled when the news of her sister's betrothal to Prince Leopold was announced throughout the Kingdom. Unsurprisingly, the news was received with much fanfare and excitement in the palace save for one grumpy princess who sulked in her room, refusing to go and congratulate her sister. It was not that she was jealous of Rose Red and begrudged her happiness. She was sincerely glad that her beloved sister had found her Prince Charming but she had just had a very unpleasant row with Lord Bailey, her own betrothed this morning and was in no mood to celebrate. "Why can't he just accept the fact that I am right for once?" she grumbled under her breath, viciously stabbing a rag doll which eerily resembled the aforementioned lord with an exceedingly sharp needle. After the doll had been reduced to nothing but a piece of cotton, her anger finally abated enough for her to leave her bedchambers and proceed to her sister's quarters. "Oh, Snow. I thought you'd never come by." Rose said with a teasing note in her voice when Snow White opened the double doors of her sister's bedchamber. Snow smiled at her sister guiltily. Rose knew her far too well. "I'm sorry, Rose. I was feeling a tad upset with Lord Bailey. I sincerely wish you and Prince Leopold all the happiness in the world." Her smile turned warm as she clasped her sister's hand. Rose was clearly flushed with happiness. It was apparent to everyone that she was head over heels in love with Prince Leopold. Snow and Rose had known Leopold since they were children. Their parents were friends and their kingdoms were allies. Snow had always known that Rose and Leopold were meant to be together. She often concocted schemes to throw both of them into romantic situations. Clearly, her efforts had paid off. Rose squeezed her sister's fingers comfortingly. "I'm sure you and Lord Bailey will live happily ever after too." Snow snorted in a very unprincess-like way. "The day Lord Bailey and I see each other without wanting to murder the other party is the day hell freezes over," she scoffed at her sister's absurd assumption. Abandoning the topic of suitors and engagements, Snow and Rose whiled away their time trading views on politics, debating about the latest court fashion and gossiping about the many follies of the courtiers. After retiring to her room at the stroke of midnight, Snow fell asleep dreaming about lace, pearls and the silly antics of Lord Buckham.

***

Pardue the Porcupine was merrily making his way home from the market when he stumbled upon something round, smooth and shiny. Wiggling his little snout, he sniffed the unfamiliar object curiously, wondering whether it was edible or not. After attempting to take a tiny nibble of the aforementioned object, he ascertained that it was quite inedible, his tiny teeth aching like mad. Disgruntled, he drew back his short little arm, intending to fling the useless object into the ditch when a pale, long-fingered hand stayed his. "Hold on, my good fellow. Before you throw that rock away, may I have a look at it?" a smooth, cultured voice asked. "Rock?" Pardue held up the strange object, perusing it with a critical eye. "Looks like no rock I've ever seen," he grunted doubtfully. He eyed the stranger who had interrupted his throw. "And who be you?" The stranger doffed his feathered hat and bowed as he introduced himself, "Lord Germaine Bailey, Duke of Wittingmore, at your service." Much to the perplexity of the nobleman, Pardue threw his head back and released a hearty straight-from-the-belly laugh. "What, pray tell, is so funny about what I said?" he asked with genuine curiosity and without rancor. "If you be the Duke of Wittingmore, I be a butterfly!" he snorted before bursting into a fresh bout of laughter. The nobleman was amused. "I assume you do not believe me but that's quite alright. I do want to have a look at that rock though before I continue on my way. May I?" he asked courteously, holding out a hand towards a sniggering Pardue. Pardue saw no harm in it and promptly dropped the rock onto the supposed duke's open palm. The nobleman held the rock carefully up to the level of his eyes and gave it a thorough once over. When he lifted the rock so that it caught the sunlight, its smooth surface glowed a deep shade of ruby red. The nobleman's lips stretched into a satisfied smile, his suspicions confirmed. Pardue was more preoccupied with the time on his pocketwatch. It was almost time for lunch and his wife would be very displeased with him if he was late for it. When the nobleman tried to return the useless rock to him, he merely waved it away and told him that he can keep it. With a hasty farewell, he rushed off home, leaving a very bemused duke clutching a ruby red rock in his wake.

***

When Life Gives You Lemons....

    You make lemonade. At least, that's how the saying goes. I've drank lime juice before but never lemonade. I wonder if they taste the same. A refreshing blend of sweet, salty and sour that dances on your tongue and fizzles down your throat. Damn. Looks like I'm craving for some. What's the purpose of this blog post? And why such a title? I just feel that it aptly describes the way my life is going right now. Except instead of making lemonade, I'm sucking on the damn lemons. Bleargh. You can gather by now that I am not a big fan of lemons. Even thinking about them makes my teeth hurt. That's not the point. What I'm trying to say is that instead of putting a positive spin on the mess I've made of my life, I'm wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. Bloody pathetic, I tell you. My spiritual life isn't getting any better either. I wish I can pluck out all the evil and vindictive feelings in my soul and throw them far, far away. But I can't. All I can do is try to keep my guard up and not let my unpleasant side leak out through the cracks. The past few weeks were positively hellish. I've let my guard down a few times and acted like a b***h. I know that if I don't find a way to rid myself of the darkness in my soul, I may never see the light again. I'm scared. I don't want to fall prey to sin and temptation. I know that I can only find redemption in God but I am ashamed to face Him. It's silly of me to avoid the only being that can help me. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed. I want to make amends. I want to make things right. Help me, Father. I need You. Be my strength, my shield and my sword, Father. Help me overcome my weaknesses and shortcomings. Amen.

P.S. God bless you.

Musings

       Yesterday, during English Literature class, I acted like I've got a pole stuck up my butt. Simply put, I was an ass. We're currently studying 'To Kill A Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. I had read it before and I like the story. I don't know why I felt so possessive towards that book. I acted like I knew everything about it. In fact, I had forgotten most of it and have to reread it for Eng. Lit. class. It isn't mine. This story should be read and understood by everyone. So why was I behaving like an arrogant jerk last night? Why did I act as if I own that story? I can't believe myself sometimes. I'm such an idiot.

      Why do I feel as if all my lecturers dislike me? Is it just me or do they sometimes eye me with faint distaste? Am I imagining things or do they occasionally avoid eye contact with me and ignore me? I keep wondering if I had done something to annoy or offend them in the past. I hate feeling like this whenever I'm in class. It destroys my excitement and enthusiasm to learn. I will always wonder if my lecturers hate me or not. Gosh, I'm such a whiner! I sound seriously pathetic.

      The two paragraphs above might sound like I'm airing my grievances but I'm actually trying to make sense of my weaknesses and insecurities. I have so many of them and they keep bugging me every second of my life. I will go mad if I do not find an outlet to release all my pent-up frustration and reflect on my many mistakes and shortcomings. Writing blog posts is pretty cathartic for me. It sort of makes me feel better afterwards. Let me compare my life to a badly woven cloth. I'm just trying to untangle the numerous snarls and knots in my life. That's what living feels like. Huh. I've barely scratched the surface of who I am and who I am going to be. Tip of the iceberg. Wonder if I'll ever make it below sea level....

        Time is of the essence. I have to go now.

P.S. May God bless you!

What is Life?

      Don't you ask yourself that question once in a while? It'll most probably be accompanied by a long drawn-out sigh that hints at a million worries or a billion sorrows. Point is, you'll only ask yourself that particular question when you're not in a good mood. My head is full of questions about life right now, specifically my life. Such selfish, prideful thoughts I have. This particular thought makes me even more melancholy. What's wrong with my mood, today? It's like I'm walking through a gray haze. I feel lost and directionless. I want to get out but there's no map and no guiding light. Maybe these things are just right in front of me and I'm just too blind to reach for them. This feeling of self-loathing is so acute sometimes. Am I cracking like an egg under all this pressure? Am I stressed? I genuinely don't know the answer. I just want to live, really live.

       I never really thought I'd become a teacher. I sort of abandoned that notion (dream?) when I was in standard six, I think. What I really want is to become a writer, an author, a fantasist. I've never really pictured myself standing in front of kids, teaching them. My dreams only ever included me, my books and my typewriter (or laptop). I decided to take up the teaching profession only as a stepping stone to my real dream, which is becoming a writer. I need a steady job to pay for the bills after all. I need to be realistic and teaching English is no loss for me. That's what I thought then. Now, I don't know. Ever since I joined IPG, though, I do sometimes imagine what it would be like to teach children. Would I be a gentle, soft-spoken teacher or a fierce, hot-tempered one? Would they love me or fear me? Sometimes, doubts assail me. I fear I am too selfish and too prideful to become a teacher. One of my biggest weaknesses is my laziness. Who needs a selfish, prideful and lazy teacher anyway?

      I will always write but will I teach until I retire? Or will I quit being a teacher to become a full time writer? So many questions. So little answers. Only time will tell, I guess. A lecturer reprimanded my whole class for doing a shoddy job. She has quite high expectations for us. Most of the lecturers here do. They apparently also think that we're a bunch of stuck up, spoiled brats. Maybe they're right. But it still bloody hurts. Cuts us to the quick. Feels like a stab to the heart. That's how painful it is. I want to change but can I? Can I be better? Can I overcome my weaknesses? I just can't trust myself. I just can't. I don't want to give up but I'm scared. I'm so scared of falling. Of letting everyone down. Sometimes, I feel like shutting myself in my room, locking the door, throwing away the keys and saying, "Screw the world!". But I know I can't avoid life forever. I do want to do my best but I don't know what is holding me back. I feel like God's lost sheep. Where is my shepherd? I need you, Father. Please help me, Lord. Father, forgive me. I know I have sinned. Guide me, Lord. Help me be a better person. Give me the strength to overcome my fears and weaknesses, Father. Amen.
       I'm sorry you had to listen to my ranting. My prayer is for God only. It's between God and me. I do admit that I need help. I know I cannot do anything without Him. It's a fact. I'm happy to be a Christian. I feel so blessed all the time. Sometimes, I get into a funk like today but I will always remember that God is with me and He will never abandon me. He is my shepherd. Time for me to sign off.

P.S. God bless you! I hope your faith shines bright!

Woolgathering

There are so many thoughts running through my mind today. I decided to divide them into three main sections.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy is a poison that seeps into your heart and turns it as black as tar. I have felt this treacherous emotion countless times throughout my short life. It hurts not just others but myself. I admit I get jealous pretty easily even over the smallest things. One of my many vices. Jealousy arises from the desire of wanting to see other people fail. An ugly truth, isn't it? I wish to divest myself of this unsavoury emotion the way an insect sheds its old exoskeleton. But I am all too human. My will is weak. I easily fall prey to temptation. All I can do is not let the green-eyed monster get the better of me. I do not want other people to be hurt because of me.

The Coffee Incident

I feel like murdering Teddy. He is not cute and cuddly any longer. I can't believe I was forced to down one whole cup of vile coffee. Shudder. I had to hold back from puking the whole time I was hunting for treasure. Argh. It bloody ruined the treasure hunt for me. The coffee grounds floating on the ink-black surface, sticking to my teeth, rolling against the walls of my throat, stomach roiling like a turbulent sea... TEDDY! ARGH!

Pride Comes Before A Fall

My stupid, stupid pride. Sometimes, I feel like knocking myself out with a shovel. My damn pride cost my team a possible victory. It was so obvious. I can't believe how arrogant I was. Damn it! I bloody concentrated on the wrong clue! It was freaking unrelated! I should have seen it from the start, but no, I was too hung up on my 'superior' intellect. Argh. I am sorry. I should have been a better team member. I am sorry. I will do better next time.

Time to go.

P.S. God bless you!

Fresh Wounds

     Why do people keep doing the things that they know will hurt them? Are we all masochists? Or is it just me? Whenever I see this person, old hurts resurface in my mind, bad memories that bring fresh tears to my eyes. I indulged in a pathetic pity party last night. A sense of self-loathing fills me. Gosh, I'm such a self-centered b***h! Wallowing in my petty miseries while there are other people suffering from worse fates than this. I can't help it, though. I know that partly it is my fault but my heart won't let it rest that easily. If I can go back in time, I would have done things differently. I thought that coming here would change things for me, would change me but everything remains the same. When did prayer become a chore for me? Where have all my childhood dreams gone to? Fear and guilt gnaws at my heart. Forgive me for being foolish, Father. I deserve whatever punishment you have dealt me or reserved for me. I know the weight of my sins. Two assignments are due on Friday. Gotta go.

P.S. Sorry for all the gloom and doom. God bless you.

Sleepless Nights

     I feel like a zombie these days. My brain feels woozy and my eyelids feel as if they weigh a ton due to lack of sleep. The ceaseless pounding in my head is slowly driving me mad. It's as if a bell tower has taken up permanent residence in my skull. Damnable assignments. Mel and Conty have gone to Terengganu to compete in a quiz. It's strange not having them around. I do feel kind of lonely. I find it easier to talk to them than to anybody else in IPG. The stories of my classmates will have to wait until after I have completed my assignments. I didn't pray today and also yesterday. I feel like something is missing in my life when I don't pray. It was a pretty close call yesterday. I really hate doing things last minute but why do I always find myself in this damnable situation? I want to promise never to do things last minute ever again but I'm not sure if I can keep it. I don't bloody trust myself. I've let myself and the people around me down too many times for me to have any faith in myself. Reverting back to old habits. Backsliding is what its called. Can I never be a better person? Will I forever be stuck in a rut? I don't know. I can't predict the future. Ah, well. All I can do is hope and pray. All of my dreams and wishes ride on a hope and a prayer. God is merciful and kind. I know he will forgive me and help me turn over a new leaf. That's all for today.

P.S. May God bless you and guide you wherever you may be.

What is in a name?

      I just made up a bunch of nicknames for my whole class. They're not meant as a joke or an insult. I just wanted to show my affection towards them. They feel like family to me. The nicknames I gave them are based on my perceptions of their personality or their physical attributes. Each and everyone of them has such a colourful and wacky personality that I had fun thinking up nicknames for them. They will change with time, of course Nothing is constant. Nothing but God. I call my class The Fairy Tale Class. Cute, right? I am going to post episodic stories of their shenanigans here for everyone's enjoyment. I do so love to share a good story. Be warned that all the stories I share here are fictional and not related to the personal lives of my classmates. I just wanted us to feel more like a close-knit family than a bunch of strangers thrown together by circumstances. Even if no one reads them, they will serve as a kind of stress reliever for me. Who knew my crazy classmates can become a source of inspiration for me to get my creative juices flowing? Huh. What is life? Life is life. Ignore my pointless remarks. I really shouldn't spend so much time posting weird stuff on my blog. My assignments await my presence, baring their sharp teeth in anticipation, eyes gleaming with bloodlust, hungry for the taste of my flesh.... Okay, that might be going a bit too far. Ah well, wish me luck! I'll definitely be armed to the teeth.

P.S. God bless you!

Early Morning Ramblings

      I did not mean to miss the theater workshop today. But I know that all the excuses I give won't really matter in the long run. My lecturer's words from yesterday struck me hard. He said that we should be true to our profession as teachers and not disgrace this noble profession by acting selfishly and irresponsibly. That's what I've been doing throughout my life and I find it hard to let go of some of my vices. But I must try. I know I am not alone. He is with me every step of the way.

      I've decided to deal with my assignments one step at a time. All together, they are intimidating. So, I need to employ certain battle tactics to overcome them. Divide and conquer. An age old tactic. Hopefully, my efforts will be rewarded. I really shouldn't do anything last minute. It hurts and hinders whatever progress I've made. At least, my reflection is done. Not quite. I feel foolish sometimes. How can my troubles compare to those who live in poor, war-torn countries? They are insignificant compared to the suffering and misery the people in Africa or the Middle East experience every day.

       Time slips through our fingers so fast like fine grains of sand. We should treasure it and not waste it on petty things. What is my number one priority? He should come first in my life but I know I'm not as devoted as that yet. One day, I will be, though. The sky's a pale, watery blue today with wispy clouds unspooling like spun sugar across its wide expanse. Will it rain today, I wonder? The weather is so changeable lately. Should I indulge in playing squash today? It's been too long. Decisions, decisions. Signing out now.

P.S. May God bless you and yours. Have a good day!

A New Beginning

      A dear friend inspired me to create a blog. She claims that it can help me sort through my muddled thoughts and bring order to the jumble of nonsense running through my mind like hyperactive children high on a sugar rush. I think I will enjoy blogging. It has been too long since I have written for pleasure. Academic writing plagues my days recently. There's nothing wrong with academic writing but one does get tired of using formal language all the time. There's going to be a theater workshop tomorrow and all of my remaining classmates are required to attend it. I would have been more enthusiastic about it if I weren't swamped with assignments. Sigh. That's just part and parcel of being a teacher-in-training, I guess. Ah, well. It's getting quite late. I should tuck myself into bed right about now. They do say the early bird always gets the worm but I wonder how true that is. Goodnight and farewell! Over and out.

P.S. God bless all of you!